Friday, December 14, 2012

the hardest thing...

I quit my job almost a year ago to stay home with the kids. I love staying home with them. Sure they drive me crazy sometimes multiple times a day and sometimes I feel like holing myself up in my room with a bottle glass of wine, but I have loved this experience! Also, I noticed a vast improvement with Parker's speech within a few weeks of me staying home with him and just constantly talking to him about everything. I love that I'm the one raising my kids. But for my sanity and financial purposes I got a job working nights and weekends for the holidays. I needed to get out of the house and talk to adults. I'm liking my new job, but the hardest thing for me has been not being able to put the kids to bed every night.

cuddling on the couch with both my lovies the other afternoon

My big boy...for the most part I have always put Parker to bed. I hogged him as a baby - especially after I went back to work. It was our special time together. I'd feed him his bottle and read a couple of books. Then we'd cuddle and he'd stare at me with sleepy eyes and curl into a little ball. He's 3 now and we have the same bedtime ritual...well minus the bottle and we talk about our day and what we will do the next day. It's hard on the nights that I work b/c I don't get to do that. He went through a stage about 6 months ago where he wanted Kevin to read to him every night for a couple of weeks - he didn't want me. He'd tell me: "No, Mommy! I want Daddy!". I know he didn't say it to be mean, but b/c he didn't know how else to phrase his words. It still hurt and I felt rejected. I know it's a good thing for him to spend time with Kevin, but I want to be the one doing all the bed time stuff. Selfish?!? Maybe. Probably. Since I've started working, I've found myself cuddling him for a bit while and trying to talk to him when I'm tucking him back in bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night to pee. I turn to mush when he gets a sleepy little grin on his face and whispers: "Mommy, you home! You cuddle me pwease?". He says it every night I work and it breaks my heart a little! We cuddle and before I leave, I kiss his forehead and whisper: "Good night, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite, I love you". He repeats it back: "G'nite, sweet dreams, bugs bite, wuv you."

my sweet baby boy with his beloved burpy (one of them anyway). it's like a lovey, but it's a burp cloth and he cannot sleep without it. 

cuddling on the couch

cuddling on the couch and watching cartoons with Daddy before bed time

this was the night of his 3rd bday - we read extra books and cuddled for an extra long time

Now my baby the beginning I was the one who put her to bed primarily. Then Kevin and I started trading every other night when she was a few months old. I admit that I put up a little fight with this, but in the end I gave in. She is his kid too and he should be able to have that special time with her. Slowly it has revolved back to me being the primary person to put her to bed b/c she would start reaching for me even when Kevin was holding her. We have our own ritual too. We don't read any books - primarily b/c when I tried it after she turned 1, she thought it was play time and took forever to fall asleep. So I just made sure we get extra reading time during the day. My routine with her is to stand near her crib and hold her chest to chest, binkie in mouth, her head on my shoulder and nose burrowed into my neck, and she's got a tight grip on her owl lovey. We sway a little bit as I pat her back, sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and kiss her forehead and whisper: "Good night, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite, I love you". Not putting Avery to bed is a little harder to deal with b/c she sleeps through the night so I don't get that cuddle time with her like I do with Parker. The one thing that really broke my heart happened a couple of weeks ago after I had worked some crazy hours during Thanksgiving weekend. I was actually home to put her to bed and I was holding her, she had her binkie and owl, Parker had given her a kiss and Kevin leaned down to give her a kiss when she reached for him! What?!? It's me, your mama! I'm home! Don't you want me?!? It was tough, but I let Kevin put her to bed...but not until after I showered her with kisses. My heart hurt a lot that night, but she did give me the sweetest kiss...complete with a very loud and animated "mwah!".

this was on my birthday last year (October) - I had just gotten home from work and had given Avery a small bottle and she just could not stay awake. so we sat on the couch and cuddled for about 30 min. it was a nice bday treat!

this was Thanksgiving at Nana's last year. she was having a rough time sleeping in a pack and play in a strange house plus she was teething and was sick so we cuddled a lot that weekend. 

this was Christmas last year - Kevin was putting Avery down for her morning nap and it was taking him quite a while so I peeked my head in her room and saw them like this. I left them napping together and they took a long nap.

cuddling on the couch at Lolo's house in San Diego

how i found her the other morning when i went to wake her up so we could get dressed and drive parker to school. i just wanted to scoop her up and give her lots of cuddles. 

It doesn't cure my aching heart, but it does help to get lots of cuddles and kisses during the day. Thankfully my kids love to cuddle! I leave them with their Dad knowing they are making special memories together. A couple of nights a week the kids take early baths so they can watch a movie and eat popcorn with Daddy.

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